Learning moment

It doesn’t help that it’s been a long three weeks. It doesn’t help next week is a long week. It doesn’t help that I’m living at home and my parents are apt to telling me how I’m living my life wrong. It doesn’t help that I haven’t had an actual girlfriend in two years and nine months? Give or take a few weeks.

I reached a point where I wanted to date again. I wanted to have a relationship. Women were put in front of me. One after another. It was intimidating. It was glorious. I hesitated, and then I went for it.

One door after another which I saw wide open. One door after another which slammed in my face.

It’s one of those days where you hit the point you want to curl up into a ball and cry. Your chest feels like someone’s doing something. I don’t know. The pain of loneliness, despair, and failure is strange to me, how it reaches into the left side of my chest, as if massaging, then creeps as a tingle down my left arm. It’s familiar to me, and in its way soothing. In the same way a few shots of whiskey are. But less burn with the heartache.

The only person there for me is in a situation where any dating advice feels hollow. Empty. I’m still the idiot who vents his dating issues, then gets frustrated.

Maybe that’s the lesson. Maybe the lesson isn’t dating isn’t going to happen. Maybe the lesson is take my feelings and bury them. Put them somewhere anonymous, and then bury it deep. It’s worked for almost three years. What’s another half century? Maybe it’s live by my advice. Maybe it’s get back to the mentality of dating only when I see a woman I could love or do love.

Ultimately I think I’m just being broken down for something. In the men’s group I’m in it’d be called a kairos moment. A moment of learning.

What I’m observing is I’m getting shot down. Repeatedly. Anyone I desire is out of reach by design or decision. Whenever I try to date them, I’m brought down hard. They aren’t bringing me down hard, don’t get me wrong. It just feels hard. Because almost three fucking years of being single. Also observing the onset of a panic attack. Today’s awesome.

Reflect. Why is this happening? Because I’m being tested or something. That’s what everyone says. I’m being tested. Every woman in front of me had red flags, but you reach a point where who cares? So patience. As Linda said, I’m waiting for the right one. I need to do a better job of waiting for her. And then I won’t get shot down repeatedly. And then I won’t have panic attacks. It’s been like two years since a panic attack.

Discuss. I mean, you’re all I’ve got guys. Here. I’m discussing.

Plan. I guess this is simple. I need to stow my feelings, I need to not be interested in women, I need to move on. Writing, working out, church. This is life. These will only disappoint me if I disappoint me. Which means I really need to write more. I’ve been a writing slacker.

Accountability. I don’t even know. I’ll figure someone out.

Act. I love these. Basically act is sit my ass down and wait. Well, I guess it’s also do writing, workouts, and church. But in the field that I’m actually trying to figure out, it’s sit your ass down.

Off to watch a movie just to get out of the house. Fun times.

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5 responses to “Learning moment

  1. I didn’t “Like” this post because I don’t like your situation. I don’t normally offer unsolicited advice, so you can choose to ignore what I’m about to say. I feel for you, because I was there once. Stop running away from being alone. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Revel in it. There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. You can be in a relationship or in a roomful of people and still be lonely. I don’t know you, so I can only comment based on what you’ve posted. Stop wasting your time on people who don’t share your feelings. Stop chasing the wrong women. Just stop. Breathe deeply. And start living your life. Do the things that YOU always wanted to do and HAVE FUN. You may not find a relationship and THAT IS OKAY. Being in a relationship doesn’t always guarantee happiness. It certainly doesn’t guarantee the elimination of feeling lonely. I truly believe that once you are okay with being by yourself, you will attract the right person to you. But stop wasting your time and energy on people who clearly aren’t right for you. I hope that this didn’t offend you, but your pain just reached out to me in your post.

    • Haha. Taara I love your fighting spirit. I also look forward to getting back to your mythology! It’ll be next week, though. This coming week I’m in San Antonio for a men’s retreat.

      Thank you for this. I do enjoy time with myself. I know that my writing will definitely slow down when I find someone. I just thought I had. And then like three more times within a week. I’m just going to chill and enjoy the stuff I have. Also, living with my parents for three days has reminded me how much I enjoy living by myself.

      Thank you again! Hope your Sunday is good.

  2. Good things come when you least expect them. Stop expecting them. Haha… maybe a men’s retreat is just the thing. 😛
    I just read your comment above and I thought the same thing – writing is much easier when you’re miserable. When you’re happy and have time only to spend with someone else, writing suffers greatly. Enjoy your writing!! Get it all out!

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