Retreat, Then Advance

Was at a retreat all weekend. My NaNo has suffered. As of today I need to write 1800 words a day. That will go up more tomorrow. I can deal with it.

My bitterness has been boiling over into rage towards others. The fury has been so bad the past month that it’s actually mostly blocked my usual number one vice of lust. When I can control it my anger, that’s one thing. When I need to shut the world out or risk punching a wall while in a professional setting, this is another thing.

The past month (or three) has seen me wanting to throw up basically all the time. I was going to try out the doctor soon. It could be stress, ulcers (stress), eating habits (which have actually been very good lately), gluten, or a number of other things.

With all this stress and anger, despite being a future leader of our church’s men’s group, I’ve been anything but close to God. I go through the motions, I make the statements, but I fall right back into old habits. Even when I thought I was giving up an old habit (lust), I was just trading it for a habit I had less experience and much less control over (Hulk smash!). According to Marcus Aurelius, rage is the better one as it is an outside vice, where as lust is an internal vice. I call bs on him, however. Both are quite internal with external triggers.

I went to a retreat over the weekend to both mend this relationship (but honestly didn’t expect much), and to help further the men’s group in the future (I know what team I want to play for, even if I haven’t been doing real well in try outs). I can’t even say what we did on this retreat, as the river rule is what happens across the river stays across the river. This is based on a river north of San Antonio. Now, being from Wisconsin, I am technically always north of the river, but I’m going to obey the spirit instead of the word.

There were bits and pieces over the weekend which hit me like a forearm shiver to the diaphragm. It was great. It was beautiful. I even found someone who actually listened to me and we were on the same page. Nothing like saying, “I think I need to get closer to God and lay off women. I’m not ready, it’s not going well, and I need to improve who I am first.” To which I get, “One day you’ll meet the right one,” and “Ever think it’s because you’re focusing on doing stuff for you?” I was giving you a status update of where I’m at, not asking for text book responses. I was actually pretty confident of my position. And I am again.

It wasn’t until I was home, walking towards my apartment, in the hallway at nearly 11 pm when something struck me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to just kneel there and weep. I waited until I got my mail and got into my apartment. After over a year, I feel God.

The retreat has been amazing. I think I might be back on the right path. I have an accountability partner who actually listens to me and has excellent insight. I want to show God’s love without restraint. I want to help people. I believe I’m back. I pray I’m back. I pray whatever your struggles are, the burden is lightened, as well.

Blessings on your night!

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6 responses to “Retreat, Then Advance

  1. Great to hear that you are getting back on track with life, if I can phrase it that way. Sometimes we need such retreats to give us proper perspective again. It’s so easy to get lost and confused these days. And i am sure you’ll be caught up with your writing in no time πŸ™‚

    • As of today, 1900 words a day. My average before retreat was 2000 words, so not worried.

      The retreat was amazing. You know how easy it is to get off track, become distracted, and become what you don’t want to be where you never intended being. So to future awesome πŸ™‚ Hope everything is going well with you, Anita.

  2. Being one who’s walked away from Christianity as a whole, I find myself still wishing I was like Christ.

    This is important to me, because I hate most Christians, I hate their politics and its foolishness, and I despise how they defame the name of Christ in their actions.

    This being said, however, I find a “Christian” with a real fight on his/her hands to be someone that is truly endeavoring to be like Christ. This is important, because all too many use all their strength on maintaining a facade that all too evident as false.

    The politics of it all aside, Christ was first a lover of his Father, then a lover of people. Nothing else mattered above those two things. What He did in life was care for those who had nothing, or had lost everything (easily definable by each separate circumstance). He treated their hurts, their pains, their hunger or sickness. He cured them in love and adoration. He loved with everything He was and is. Christ lived a life that I’ve NEVER seen a man live… But those who have ventured close are those who’ve lived incredible hard lives, fighting vices and demons, facing horrors of physical ailments or abuse, or of mental or spiritual agony.

    I may have walked away from the religious scene, and feel better for it, but to live as Christ did (whether he was real or not, whether he was who we’ve made him out to be or not) should be the ultimate goal of every person out there. The very ubermensch spoken of by Nietzsche may have, indeed, been Christ. Imagine how much better a world we would be living in if all aspired to such greatness.

    And for this, and your steadfast faith, I applaud you sir. Do keep up the good fight, know where your heart and desires are and where they should be, and never lie to yourself in an effort to justify anything. One day, you’ll be able to look in the mirror and look yourself in the eyes only to realize that you don’t mind anymore. Hell, you might even get to the point of liking who you see staring back at you…

    • We should really talk about that hate and loathing πŸ˜‰

      Christians today can often be in line with the Sadducees and Pharisees of Christ’s time. But they always exist. Remember the church is where two people gather in His name. You don’t need a mega church to get on the path.

      The path is difficult. Especially currently those in the Middle East. They are being put down incredibly hard, yet there are few in the world with more conviction and love.

      As for the existence of Christ, there are numerous records showing he existed, from posters to ledgers. The closer you were to Jerusalem, the more often they called him sorcerer. The farther, the more often he was a miracle worker.

      While Christ is about love, love is multifaceted. Today we have a generation of quick gratification. The world doesn’t know what wait means and gives into ever vice and whim possible. I get mocked often for abstaining from whims (even though some days are more successful than others).

      Thanks for the encouragement! Would love to discuss this in more detail, too. PM me if you’re ever interested. As for me, this week has been incredible and fortifying.

      • And that, my good sir, is what matters most. And for that, good on ya mate πŸ˜‰

        For the record, I wasn’t arguing for or against Christ existing, I know all the facts surrounding that, but I’ve had too many arguments with people saying that he may not have existed. Only reason for my parentheses.

      • By the way, by “walking away from Christianity” I mean I don’t count myself a Christian. I don’t associate with the term in any way. But just because I’m more Buddhist than Christian doesn’t mean that I can’t aspire to perfection… πŸ˜›

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