Was at a retreat all weekend. My NaNo has suffered. As of today I need to write 1800 words a day. That will go up more tomorrow. I can deal with it.
My bitterness has been boiling over into rage towards others. The fury has been so bad the past month that it’s actually mostly blocked my usual number one vice of lust. When I can control it my anger, that’s one thing. When I need to shut the world out or risk punching a wall while in a professional setting, this is another thing.
The past month (or three) has seen me wanting to throw up basically all the time. I was going to try out the doctor soon. It could be stress, ulcers (stress), eating habits (which have actually been very good lately), gluten, or a number of other things.
With all this stress and anger, despite being a future leader of our church’s men’s group, I’ve been anything but close to God. I go through the motions, I make the statements, but I fall right back into old habits. Even when I thought I was giving up an old habit (lust), I was just trading it for a habit I had less experience and much less control over (Hulk smash!). According to Marcus Aurelius, rage is the better one as it is an outside vice, where as lust is an internal vice. I call bs on him, however. Both are quite internal with external triggers.
I went to a retreat over the weekend to both mend this relationship (but honestly didn’t expect much), and to help further the men’s group in the future (I know what team I want to play for, even if I haven’t been doing real well in try outs). I can’t even say what we did on this retreat, as the river rule is what happens across the river stays across the river. This is based on a river north of San Antonio. Now, being from Wisconsin, I am technically always north of the river, but I’m going to obey the spirit instead of the word.
There were bits and pieces over the weekend which hit me like a forearm shiver to the diaphragm. It was great. It was beautiful. I even found someone who actually listened to me and we were on the same page. Nothing like saying, “I think I need to get closer to God and lay off women. I’m not ready, it’s not going well, and I need to improve who I am first.” To which I get, “One day you’ll meet the right one,” and “Ever think it’s because you’re focusing on doing stuff for you?” I was giving you a status update of where I’m at, not asking for text book responses. I was actually pretty confident of my position. And I am again.
It wasn’t until I was home, walking towards my apartment, in the hallway at nearly 11 pm when something struck me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to just kneel there and weep. I waited until I got my mail and got into my apartment. After over a year, I feel God.
The retreat has been amazing. I think I might be back on the right path. I have an accountability partner who actually listens to me and has excellent insight. I want to show God’s love without restraint. I want to help people. I believe I’m back. I pray I’m back. I pray whatever your struggles are, the burden is lightened, as well.
Blessings on your night!