How am I

How am I?

I am pained
Every day when you’re not here
Every week when I wake up to an empty pillow
Every month when I’m reminded I’m alone by other couples
Every year when I can’t find someone better

I am determined
Every day I climb a mountain
Covered in my blood spilled from a thousand wounds
With only God at the top waiting to take my hand
Every joy, every handhold, I forge by my own hands and tools
But I will reach the top

I am dreaming
Every time I sit down to edit, bleeding colored ink onto my soul
Every time I punch out a short story to be devoured in bite sizes
Every time I sit down to create a game and convince others to join me on the ride

I am devout
Through leading mission teams
Through random acts of kindness
Through Bible study twice a week at 6:30 am
Through leading  Bible study Saturday morning
Through lifting up praise in choir Sunday morning

I am not doing well. I am doing good.
I have not found happiness. I have found conviction and faith.
I do not know Eros. I do know myself.
I do not know the touch of one. I know how to reach out and touch many.

I might miss you every day of my life
But every day I do my best to thank you for kicking my ass out the door, and shredding everything I was. Twice.

That is how I am doing

A Terrible, Horrible, No Good Day

Three lacerations, two warts, a blister, an abrasion, car making a metal clinking sound, ridiculous amounts of work stress. It’s a beautiful day. Absolutely glorious. Still going to run after work, finish up cards for the board game, edit, and then commiserate over tea while watching Alphas.

Up yours, Monday.

I have now bled for the board game

Apparently Joel did it yesterday. I did it today. We’re using really thick paper stock for our alpha deck. As I was removing the perforated spots, running my finger along it to fold it over, after doing it a couple dozen times yesterday, I cut myself and bled. It stings horribly, it bleeds a little, I put a bandaid on just to stop the sting. It’s not working. I also seem to be accumulating more and more bandaides on my fingers. I’ll look ridiculous soon. Texting will also be difficult, as this is my index finger. Great. Really. Even the computer’s touch mouse can’t recognize me. I’ve become a foreigner to my own electronic children!

Anyway, yesterday with the board game was amazing! It went really well and looking forward to Saturday when we play a full game. The combos and traps worked the way I wanted in our short game, even if every time they were used it was against me. Meanwhile the one card of spite I employed was countered with an equally spiteful card. My own creation turned against me!

Memoirs

I’m writing a story about Autumn for an anthology. I was going with an urban fantasy detective story. Then I thought about some cute love story.

However, while in a meeting my mom placed in front of me “Writer’s Digest.” What was the focus? Memoirs. Creative nonfiction. I met my last ex in fall. It was the most exciting, exhilarating, terrifying weekend of my life. I never in my life went through so many ups and downs in a 48 hour period. It was perfect.

The first paragraph was easy. It was a brief introduction, a hook about how the weekend was insane. It was. It’s hard for me to keep track of when different events happened, because it kept happening. That’s why I thought it would make a great short story for my anthology.

But as I wrote it, the words became unwieldy. Maybe it’s the headache, but I don’t think so. It’s not even that the memories hurt anymore. They’re honestly quite pleasant. It’s just difficult to write a memoir of such weight, of such size, of such behemoth action. Seriously.

Every other hour seemed to be a test. I was getting yelled at, chastised, belittled. I went at someone with more anger and wrath than I have ever went at someone, to the point my ex thought I was going to deck him. I met her father who was going to call the police on me. Her friends said I wasn’t good enough for her, and I only dragged her down. It was the first time they met me.

Why do I want to write this story? Because I never felt so alive. I never felt more resolute.

Maybe my current skill level is unable to write it. Maybe I will never be able to write it, as the events are so numerous it’s hard to keep the order straight. I’m sure already that the time line is botched. But it is a beautiful story. And if it ended on that Sunday afternoon in November, it would have been a happy ending.

Maybe some day.

A Man, the Sands, A Wyvern Chapter 2

Paul Davis:

Chapter two of the G’desh story, so if you’re waiting for something to read, here you go. Check out the official site for Lands of Volden!

Originally posted on Lands of Volden:

Chapter 1

Two days was a long time in the desert. Abir’s lips were chapped. His stomach growled. And the thirst. Man wasn’t meant to live on blood. In fact, in many cultures and religions across the sands, it was forbidden to drink blood. But a man did what he had to, and when a meal and drink were wrapped up in one nice bundle, it was difficult to say no. That and Abir did not subscribe to any religious tenants.

Over the dune, he saw the rock formation that heralded the end of his journey. He laughed, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” The runners would provide food, drink, and oil.

Abir stretched out, making sure his stiff joints were limber for the coming fight. If an older male even broke skin, Abir would die in the sands, a bloated and purple sack of flesh. But it would be worth it…

View original 263 more words

In the game again!

Two years ago, I was sitting outside a hotel with my phone, purchasing a year of eHarmony. It would technically happen next week, but let’s run with this.

For those who read through that year, eHarmony was a disaster. It was a year of terrifying or uninteresting women, with only two exceptions, but each was immensely short lived. I didn’t really put too much effort into my dating life, and even those I found interesting, were easily dismissed.

My confidence has been dead. I have been terrified of rejection as much as betrayal, and I haven’t sincerely made a move. So today I made a move on the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever had the stones to approach. Was it major? No. Will I see her again? No. From what I gathered she was the inside sales person for a competing line. But I gave her my information and said if you’re ever in Milwaukee, drop me a line.

I used to be that guy in high school. Most popular girl? Most attractive girl? Most desired girl? I’d ask them all out. Sometimes I even came out ahead. But I’m back to that. I hope it carries back with me to Milwaukee, but an important first step after two terrifying years.

On top of that, some awesome things are happening this coming year! I will be published twice, with short stories, through Den of Quills. I will be trying to get published through Mad Scientist Journal. My novel is flying and will hopefully be ready for Christmas (or dare I say earlier). There is a board game in the works, and that will be play tested in March. Currently working on a few base cards and such and then off to the race tracks.

What does this mean, aside from giving me the confidence to flirt with gorgeous women the world over? It means I might be eligible for a panel at Life, the Universe, and Everything. If nothing else, I will be going to get some publicity, find some fan girls, make some friends, and meet some friends.

The event, as you may have noticed, is in Utah. Why, I do not doubt you wonder, would I go to Utah when I live in the fair city of Milwaukee? My dear friend, Christine Haggerty, who has supported me and I have supported, will be at the conference, and I can finally hang out with her. She also suggested it as she’s fairly active. The 2015 conference just came to an end, and it sounds like she had a blast. So now I look forward to the same opportunity.

Also check out the links. They are great resources. Christine has been especially noteworthy, as her writing, despite recently getting published, greatly inspires me to strive to become more. You can find her most recent anthology here, Secrets and Doors. As I’ve noted previously, this is being used to support research into type 1 diabetes. It’s a good cause, and she wrote really well. If you’re interested in her other works, I implore you to check them out. Acquisition is amazing, along with her newest book through our friend’s Crimson Edge Publishing.

Alright, I think I’m done. Trade shows are exhausting, but this one has been pretty good, both for what happened in the show and out. Time to do some more editing and come up with a few more cards. Blessings on your evening and weekend!